There is nothing better than starting the new year off with a bit of inspiration.  For this, I headed to church to celebrate the solemnity of Mary.  The pastor of my NEW church is really and truly an amazing man.  I have never met someone like him but he can make any message seem real and pertinent to your (anyone’s) life.

His homily was about how people say “I can’t wait until this year is over… the next will be better” and so on.  He said that people need to remember that, in truth, each year is the same.  We have blessings (more than we even realize), hurt, sorrow, pain, and things that just blow our minds.  We can expect to have the same things this year coming as we did last year with just different circumstances.

I think that is a great way to think about things.  It may have had a bad year for our family and we are hoping for a better next one.  But, the truth is that we are beyond blessed with our family and friends and all the joys of our life.  We have had some pain but God has been with us through it all… as He will be this next year.

The one thing that the priest said that is sticking with me that I really wanted to share with you all is this… Mary is a sign of a true disciple.  She had moments in her life that she could have turned away from God and told him “no”… or said that He asked too much of her.  She could have turned away.  But, she didn’t.  She pondered each situation and hardship or blessing put upon her.  She didn’t react instantly… she thought about things.  When we stop and ponder what it is that is causing us emotion, either good or bad, we allow the presence of God into that situation.  No longer is it about US and OUR feelings.  It is about Him.

So, I invite you as this new year starts to stop reacting and start pondering.  Think before you speak or act.  Allow the presence of God into your life and your situation.  I wish you peace and love this new year.

©2012 To Be Thode. All Rights Reserved.

Ahh yes, winter is here!  There are small puddles on my floor from the just-enough-to-make-a-mess snow outside.  My dogs are inside constantly causing a mess and driving the kids crazy… or maybe that is the other way around.  My oldest is out of school until after the first of the year which basically means more yelling around my house on a daily basis as she causes disruption of our normal routine.  My life now consists of cleaning messes and stopping fights.  To make matters worse, it is too cold to even get out and do something!

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

–Reinhold Niebuhr

©2012 To Be Thode. All Rights Reserved.

I have been working on ways to help my kids see the true meaning of Christmas for a few years.  Johnny is now 4 years old and starting to grasp that Christmas is the birth of Jesus.  Kenzie has taken steps to join the Catholic faith, as has her dad.  With these changes in our house, I think now is the best time to make the meaning of this holiday season ever present in our home.

We are doing it big this year.  As we unpacked the nativity sets last night, I was looking at the three Wise Men with the kids.  They were able to see that Jesus received 3 gifts on Christmas (his birth).  I told the kids that if Jesus only received three gifts, shouldn’t that be enough for them?

We have talked about this at length over the past few weeks actually but the visual with the Wise Men has really helped.  I want Christmas to have meaning and not be about how many gifts you get.  I also don’t want to spend so much money on gifts that my kids neither want or need.  We are sure this is going to help our kids understand the blessing of this holiday season.

So, my kids have been encouraged to choose 3 gifts that they would want most of all for Santa to bring.  We will still be stuffing their stockings with little things but there will only be 3 main gifts under the tree for each kid this year.  We are trying to make sure that those gifts are things the kids want and not things to fill space.  Of course, there is only so much you can do with those that don’t say what they want but we are trying to make this a special Christmas for our family.  In addition, it will help keep our finances in check at this time of year that so many people really stress their wallets and bank accounts.

This new tradition will be one that lasts and hopefully has an effect on my kids as they grow up.  Christmas is not about gifts… it is about The Gift.  Jesus.

Do you have any traditions?  I love to hear about other families’ traditions so please share!

©2012 To Be Thode. All Rights Reserved.

Mike and I went to Inspire last night at church.  The topic was forgiveness and the speaker was Fr. Dan Dorsey.  Forgiveness is something I struggle with in my own life.  Not only forgiving others for what they do to me, but more forgiving myself and accepting God’s love and forgiveness.

One thing that Fr. Dorsey said really stuck with me though when he was talking about allowing ourselves to accept God’s love in our lives.  No matter what we do, God still loves us.  There is no ifs or stipulations on His love.  He loves us unconditionally.

He held up a picture that his niece colored for him.  He said that he loves the picture even though there are spots that she colored outside the lines.  He also said that we try to stay “in the lines” of our lives… to remain good and have trouble believing that God could love us if we stray outside those lines.  He said that we could be completely outside the lines and God will still love us no matter what… just as he loves his colored picture from his niece even though it isn’t perfect.

Again, I struggle with this.  It is hard for me to accept His love and forgiveness when I have done wrong.  I ask myself how He could love me when I am such an unworthy person.  I need to remember that my life is often outside the lines and that even when I go outside the lines and I am not perfect that my Lord loves me as if I was perfect.  I was made in His image and likeness.  He loves me the way I am.  Of course, he wants me to be the best I can be.  But, he died for my sins and knows that I am not perfect.  He only wants me to love him and be the person he wants me to be.  That, I can do!

Just as Jesus forgave and died for our sins, I too must forgive.  I must forgive others, forgive myself, and accept His love in my life despite what my human brain is telling me.

Then Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.”

NAB  Luke 23:34

©2012 To Be Thode. All Rights Reserved.

I spent some time yesterday bookmarking and indexing my bible.  I want to become more familiar with scripture as it is not something I have ever been active in.  After my retreat weekend, I feel a call to read scripture.  I am still trying to figure out the best way to do this most efficiently… because I can’t just do something.

Regardless, one thing I have been doing is opening my bible to a page and reading.  One scripture keeps popping up for no known reason.  The page is not bent.  There is no mark to have that page stand out.  Yet, it keeps appearing nearly every day.  So, I thought I would give you a little scripture this fine Sunday evening.

Some friends bring ruin on us,

but a true friend is more loyal than a brother.

Proverbs 18:24

Can you relate to this scripture?  I think specifically of one special friend when I see this quote that is a true friend.  Not requesting anything of me other than my friendship and giving me so much in return.  She is a beautiful person and I am blessed to have her in my life and the lives of those in my family.  We spent some time at her and her wonderful husband’s house tonight for dinner and it was very enjoyable for us and the kids.  They are a special family and we are so lucky to have them in our lives.  I keep saying this, but I truly mean it… I am so blessed!

©2012 To Be Thode. All Rights Reserved.

Every journey begins with one step.

Big or small, that step is the foundation for all the others that come after.

Sometimes it takes time to get ready for that step.  It takes courage.  It takes faith.

It is normal to feel anxious or afraid.

What matters is that you keep trying.

Don’t let your inner voice keep you from moving forward.

Just take that step.

The reward comes from trying.

With each step, you are closer to your goal.

You are closer to your maker, our Lord.

Even if you fall, remember that He is there to pick you up.

Pick yourself up and dust yourself off.

But most importantly…

Remember that God loves you and He is with you ever step of the way.

Please pray for me as I begin a new journey of faith.

I will move forward.  I am taking those steps.

I can feel His presence in my life.

I am so very blessed.

©2012 To Be Thode. All Rights Reserved.

Many of you know that I went on a church retreat this past weekend.  I left Saturday morning and returned home at 4pm on Sunday.  I have had several people ask me how my weekend went and there are just no words to describe it.  It was amazing and I am so glad I went.  But, that doesn’t even begin to describe what the weekend meant to me.

I missed my kids and husband like crazy but I came home with a much greater appreciation and love for them.  I am a different person than I was just 3 days ago.  I know that sounds hokey but it is so very true.  I am forever changed by a mere 30 hours.  The thing is, what happened there is beyond anything that I could have ever expected.  I went in with no expectations.  We were told that there may be a “moment” that you just “get it”.  Well, I sat there for most of the first day thinking… wow, this is great and the experience is awesome but I have not had any “moments”.

That was until a very special woman told her story.  She doesn’t know it, has no possible way of knowing even, how much her testimony of faith (her witness) has changed my life.  Her courage and strength will be forever remembered by me.  I will always have a special place in my heart for her and what she has done for me simply by sharing her own experiences and I hope we can be lifelong friends.  I know for me, she will always be a friend in my mind.

Every person there had a different “moment”.  I don’t know that everyone, or even anyone, else walked away with the same feeling of the Holy Spirit as I did.  What I can tell you is that I hope they did.  I hope they all walked away from that weekend with a new appreciation and love for our Lord.  I hope they all walked away from that weekend feeling the love of our Lord in their lives and the Holy Spirit guiding them in new ways.  I certainly do.

Mike jokingly said last night “where is my wife?”.  I truly am a changed woman, a changed Christian, a changed mother, daughter, sister, and wife.  I am so grateful for the opportunity given to me and only hope to continue the process and journey to get to know our Lord better.

©2012 To Be Thode. All Rights Reserved.

I have shared with you before the amazing events that happen at my church on the first Wednesday of the month called Inspire.  After a break for the summer, they have began again.  Once again, the music was amazing, the worship alive, and the my tears flowed freely.  But, I am not going to talk to you about what Inspire was about because I realized something even greater tonight thanks to Inspire.

I went with a great friend and we met another friend from our MOMS group for dinner.  We then went over to church and worshiped together and with some other friends (and a large amount of visitors and members of the church).  As I was sitting there among my friends, praying with and for them, I realized that I have isolated myself… again.

This isn’t the first time.  Things happen in my life and I pull away.  I pull away from my friends and even my family.  Mike has felt the distance.  I didn’t talk to my friends for a large portion of the summer.  Basically, ever since we found that my uncle has a terminal illness (which I am still trying to get the courage to post about), I have felt broken.  I haven’t been praying the way I was.  I haven’t been feeling God’s presence in my life.  I haven’t been a good friend.

I go to church every Sunday and it is my foundation for my week.  I need that each week.  So, why do I walk out of the doors and forget what I am doing?  Prior to a few months ago, I had a strong relationship with God and felt a connection in my daily life.  Now, I have fleeting moments where I feel a presence and the rest I am struggling to find my way.

Tonight, I realized that my friends are a source of God’s love in my life.  I need them as much as I need to go to church and as much as I need to pray.  I have my mom, my sister, and my husband and I am eternally blessed because of that.  My friends though, the ones that brought me closer to Christ to begin with through MOMS, are people I need in my life.  I need to have those phone calls, texts, emails and play dates.  I need to have their hugs and give them back.

Tonight, I prayed over a friend.  I prayed for my friends.  I have made a promise that I will not disappear from my friend’s lives again.  Even if I am ready to hole myself up in my house, I will reach out and talk to them.  Even if I don’t want to leave my house and want to sit in my pajamas all day, I will still call my friends to make that connection that I need so badly.  When I am away from my friends, I can convince myself that everything is okay. When I am with them, I realize just how important they are to me.  I went several years without having any real friendships.  Now that I have them, I need to hold onto them with all my heart.

©2012 To Be Thode. All Rights Reserved.

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

lyrics from The Stand by Hillsong

It is in times like these that I turn to my family, my friends, and God.  I am offering all that has happened up to God right now.  Only He knows what is best and I am going to trust Him to take care of me and my family.  I don’t really know what to say but to let you all know that my family has changed dramatically in a matter of a few days.

On Friday, Mike and I talked and decided to let Mason stay with his mom more.  He will still be riding the bus from our house a few days a week and will be getting off at our house everyday.  We will still be a major part of his life.  But, if Mason wants to stay with his mom, we know that he needs to be allowed to do that.  We are going to keep up with his schooling to make sure he is doing okay and not falling behind like he did the last time he lived with her.  If she moves, which she will, he will be back with us.

Last night, or early this morning really, Tayler decided that she wanted to be with a boy more than she wanted to be part of a loving family.  She moved in with her mom once again… a place she has never been happy and actually was neglected on some levels.  She was told by all members of her family that she should not move in there because it would be a huge mistake.  I lost my cool with her when she acted like it was a hard decision for her.  All I could think about was what she was doing to the kids.  She is not welcome in my house again… I have been down this road with Tayler too many times.  I pick up the pieces of her broken relationship with her mom and stepdad over and over.  I can not do it again.  She will not be seeing her brother and sisters again in my house.  She walked out on them in the middle of the night.  She didn’t even have the decency to say goodbye properly.  She ran like a coward.  So yes, I lost my cool.  I shouldn’t have but it happened… all I care about is my kids and their happiness.  When she decided to walk on them, I couldn’t handle it.

Last night, we found out that she is back with the boy that we asked her to stay away from for 6 months to get a dose of reality.  This is a boy that is abusive to her.  He has convinced her that she is not worthy of him and that he is too good for her.  He is a loser, flat out.  She chose to go live with her mom so she can be with him.  She chose to be with him instead of being with a family that loves her and wanted her.

I am not upset about her being gone.  I am disappointed in her choices.  She is too old to act so childish.  She needs to grow up and take some responsibility for her actions… and those will be that she will never live in my house again.  I will not allow her to hurt my kids again.  I am sad for her because she is really messing up her future.  But, her dad and I have done everything we can for her… she has chosen to walk away.  Tayler’s decisions and lack of conscience is disturbing.  All I can do now is pray for her.  Only God can help her now.

In case you are wondering, Kenzie is here and has no desire to leave.  She is the happiest I have ever seen her.  She helped her dad pack up Tayler’s stuff today and was a whirlwind.  She knows how toxic Tayler was to this house and she was ready for it to end.  She is also fine with Mason being with his mom and is glad that she will see him still.  Kenzie is happy… happy with our family, happy with her brother and sister, and happy with us as her parents.  She is smiling more than I have ever seen.  She is even being more loving and attentive to all of us.  Kenzie will be fine.

Johnny and Joley really don’t understand and that is a good thing.  We tried to tell Johnny some of what was going on but all he said was that he wanted to make sure Kenzie was staying.  I am sad for my kids, all of them, though.  It is sad that they won’t know their sister the way they deserve.  It is sad that she walked out on them.

We will all be okay.  Even though we went from a family of 7 to a family of 5 within days, we will be okay.  We will be better.  We will be happy with what we have and be stronger for what we have gone through.

©2012 To Be Thode. All Rights Reserved.

I haven’t been feeling so great over the past few weeks.  It seems to have gotten worse over the last few days.  On Thursday, during training, I had to eat TUMS in order to stay there.  I was so close to coming home because I was feeling so ill.  I am a strong person though and keep on keepin’ on as much as I need to.  It all came to a halting stop today.

There is one thing that I look forward to every week… one thing that I feel I need to get my week going on the right foot.  I need to go to Church.  Every Sunday, I walk into those doors and feel refreshed and like a new woman.  I was so ill today that I didn’t make it at all.  That is a true sign of my not feeling well because I wouldn’t miss going to Mass for any other reason.
Hopefully I feel better soon!  On Tuesday, Tayler’s birthday, I am taking her to see a triple feature at the movie theater.  We are going to see Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse all in one sitting. Despite some ribbing by my brother-in-law, my sister is going to come with us.  I am so glad and am looking forward to spending some time with her and Tayler.  Anyone else going to see Eclipse on Wednesday?

©2012 To Be Thode. All Rights Reserved.