Being overweight didn’t happen overnight. It also didn’t happen by mistake. I knew each time that I ate something that was bad for me that it was going to have an effect on my weight. I knew that I would regret it. But, with that guilt came more eating and more regret. It was a constant cycle of hatred for my actions and decisions.
As I grew older, those things changed. Where I once was an emotional eater that fed my feelings, now I am an emotional eater in different ways. I no longer feed myself until I am “happy” by binging. Now, my happiness comes in other ways but I am still using food in unhealthy ways. If I am upset, as has been the case for the past few weeks, I now don’t eat and have been eating one meal a day on average. This leads to my body going into starvation mode and weight loss becoming impossible. It also leads to my body craving food and I end up eating things that aren’t good for me in order to fill the void. That void isn’t a hunger though… it is my emotions. If only I realized that when I was reaching for that candy bar or potato chips.
I am unsure how to get past these problems. I need to develop a healthy relationship with food but I don’t know how to begin. Food is always there. I can deny it (as I have been lately) or I can take it in. I can convince myself that the food is making me feel better but the reality is that I will feel guilt for my eating habits. It may not be today but it will happen.
I have been weighing myself each week. I have gained about a pound over the past few weeks. I am so unhappy with what has happened to my diet. But, I know that with all the negative feelings around and in me, I am not in a place emotionally that I can take care of myself physically. I want to get back on track with my diet. It makes me feel so good about myself when I see a weight or measurement loss. In the same regard, it is a huge let down to see a gain or no change. It can affect my entire day… adding to the emotions that I feel the need to feed… or starve.
I am praying for peace in my household and peace in my mind so that I can start to work on me again. I want to feel that sense of accomplishment I was feeling with each week of positive results. I want to know that I am doing something good for myself and my family. I want to be proud of myself again… not embarrassed about who I have become.