As I sit here this morning, only 11 days until my baby’s expected arrival, I wonder how I am ever going to make it. Rather, I wonder how I will make it and still have children that love and respect me. I am so much less than what they deserve. I am not a good mom. I am a crabby, irritable, impatient mom.
So, today, I cry. And yesterday and the day before. This pregnancy has been really, really difficult. Besides the kidney stones, it has been my healthiest pregnancy thus far. But, mentally and emotionally, it has been the worst. It has actually been the worst time in my entire life. I spend day after day praying to make it through another day. I feel hopeless. I feel alone.
These are not problems new to me. I am no stranger to depression. But, the truth is that a lot of the issues at hand are out of my control. I have held off for 9 months on telling the truth about how my life is these days but, today, I can no longer do so. I need to get it out. I need to have the outlet that this blog has so often provided. I am sorry that it will upset some people. I have been upset for months and it is time I let go.
Being pregnant is not a fun thing for me. I am not one of those women that loves it. I wish I was. But, even if my body liked pregnancy, which it doesn’t, my husband doesn’t. He is not supportive. I have spent the past 9 months struggling with his inability to be kind and loving. I am not a woman that is adored and treated with compassion during pregnancy. Quite the opposite is true for me. Pregnancy is almost like an excuse for him to bring out the worst behavior and spew it all at me. I find him to be selfish… he is more worried about a nap than helping me. He works hard every day and I appreciate that more than he or anyone else knows. At the same time, he is a father and husband and that should matter. I don’t believe that since he works outside of the house, that his duties as a dad and husband just disappear. I know he is tired. So am I. I can not do everything I used to do, nor do I think I should have to at 9 months pregnant. But, while my husband was watching TV and playing games on the computer last night, I was upstairs vacuuming, dusting, and moving furniture. I am trying to keep things remotely clean for the baby that deserves to breathe clean air when she arrives. Instead of helping with dinner, he sits and only offers after I start and get things going. When he does cook, he cooks for the kids because it is a matter of throwing things in the oven and not really making a meal. Instead of helping with the kids, he ignores what is happening right in front of his eyes and buries himself in his computer. Do I think he loves me? Not really… at least when I am pregnant. He makes remarks about how he wants his “wife back” to others. He helps when he wants to, usually with an argument to get there. His words and actions hurt me. He sees no harm in what he is doing… or he doesn’t care. Either way, he is hurting me on a very deep emotional level and my mental health is not good. Not good at all.
All of this leads to problem number two; his daughter. I have raised K since she was a baby. She has spent more time in her life with me than with her own mother. She doesn’t want to see her mom and hasn’t for over 2 years yet she refuses to treat me as anything other than a stranger. My husband will not do anything to create change. Like I said, he chooses to ignore problems rather than react to them. He needs to react to his daughter. He is okay with living his life this way. I am not. I want to live a life of normalcy, not one in which I have to lock my bedroom door to keep an 11 year old out. Obviously, I can’t trust her. Also obviously, I don’t want it to be this way. I am sure he is unsure even what to do anymore because these problems are not new ones. Sadly, her behavior affects everyone in the house. And, added to the other issues with my marriage, this one is possibly the one that will put the wedge between us that is not mend-able.
So, this is where I am. I cry. I get angry. I am crabby and a “bitch”. I am upset about things I shouldn’t be upset about. I get frustrated when I ask for something and it takes several times to get it done, and never without a fight. I am tired of being the only one who cares about the family unit. I am tired of feeling like I live in a single parent home when the other parent is clearly there… but only when he wants to be. I am sick of being stressed about the actions of a child… and sick is truly how I feel right now. I am unsure what the future holds but I can tell you that I need to have this baby soon. I know it won’t solve anything but at least I can move past this. In the past, things started to get better once I was no longer pregnant. It is something I just don’t understand… when I need someone the most, they are the least available. I can’t change that though. I can’t change any of this and this is why I am here today pouring all of this out.
This baby will come when she is ready or on the day the hospital decided. I can’t change that for anyone despite the numerous complaints. I am ready to have her. Believe me, I am ready. But, I can’t make time change. I can’t change what God has in mind for me. All I do know is that I pray everyday for patience and to feel the love and support I so desperately need. I thank God for my beautiful children and the one that I am carrying… the one who does not deserve all that she is coming into this world knowing. I pray for her to know how much I love her. I pray that my children will forgive me for these past months of irritability. I pray they will still love me when it is all said and done.
I plan on going on an antidepressant after I give birth. With the increasing depression I feel now, I want to make sure I don’t sink deeper postpartum. I have talked to my doctor and it is all worked out. I will be okay… just so you know.
Please don’t flame me for this post. Like I said, I have avoided writing it. But, I started this blog as a way to get my thoughts and emotions out and I really needed that today.