As I sit here this morning, only 11 days until my baby’s expected arrival, I wonder how I am ever going to make it. Rather, I wonder how I will make it and still have children that love and respect me. I am so much less than what they deserve. I am not a good mom. I am a crabby, irritable, impatient mom.
So, today, I cry. And yesterday and the day before. This pregnancy has been really, really difficult. Besides the kidney stones, it has been my healthiest pregnancy thus far. But, mentally and emotionally, it has been the worst. It has actually been the worst time in my entire life. I spend day after day praying to make it through another day. I feel hopeless. I feel alone.
These are not problems new to me. I am no stranger to depression. But, the truth is that a lot of the issues at hand are out of my control. I have held off for 9 months on telling the truth about how my life is these days but, today, I can no longer do so. I need to get it out. I need to have the outlet that this blog has so often provided. I am sorry that it will upset some people. I have been upset for months and it is time I let go.
Being pregnant is not a fun thing for me. I am not one of those women that loves it. I wish I was. But, even if my body liked pregnancy, which it doesn’t, my husband doesn’t. He is not supportive. I have spent the past 9 months struggling with his inability to be kind and loving. I am not a woman that is adored and treated with compassion during pregnancy. Quite the opposite is true for me. Pregnancy is almost like an excuse for him to bring out the worst behavior and spew it all at me. I find him to be selfish… he is more worried about a nap than helping me. He works hard every day and I appreciate that more than he or anyone else knows. At the same time, he is a father and husband and that should matter. I don’t believe that since he works outside of the house, that his duties as a dad and husband just disappear. I know he is tired. So am I. I can not do everything I used to do, nor do I think I should have to at 9 months pregnant. But, while my husband was watching TV and playing games on the computer last night, I was upstairs vacuuming, dusting, and moving furniture. I am trying to keep things remotely clean for the baby that deserves to breathe clean air when she arrives. Instead of helping with dinner, he sits and only offers after I start and get things going. When he does cook, he cooks for the kids because it is a matter of throwing things in the oven and not really making a meal. Instead of helping with the kids, he ignores what is happening right in front of his eyes and buries himself in his computer. Do I think he loves me? Not really… at least when I am pregnant. He makes remarks about how he wants his “wife back” to others. He helps when he wants to, usually with an argument to get there. His words and actions hurt me. He sees no harm in what he is doing… or he doesn’t care. Either way, he is hurting me on a very deep emotional level and my mental health is not good. Not good at all.
All of this leads to problem number two; his daughter. I have raised K since she was a baby. She has spent more time in her life with me than with her own mother. She doesn’t want to see her mom and hasn’t for over 2 years yet she refuses to treat me as anything other than a stranger. My husband will not do anything to create change. Like I said, he chooses to ignore problems rather than react to them. He needs to react to his daughter. He is okay with living his life this way. I am not. I want to live a life of normalcy, not one in which I have to lock my bedroom door to keep an 11 year old out. Obviously, I can’t trust her. Also obviously, I don’t want it to be this way. I am sure he is unsure even what to do anymore because these problems are not new ones. Sadly, her behavior affects everyone in the house. And, added to the other issues with my marriage, this one is possibly the one that will put the wedge between us that is not mend-able.
So, this is where I am. I cry. I get angry. I am crabby and a “bitch”. I am upset about things I shouldn’t be upset about. I get frustrated when I ask for something and it takes several times to get it done, and never without a fight. I am tired of being the only one who cares about the family unit. I am tired of feeling like I live in a single parent home when the other parent is clearly there… but only when he wants to be. I am sick of being stressed about the actions of a child… and sick is truly how I feel right now. I am unsure what the future holds but I can tell you that I need to have this baby soon. I know it won’t solve anything but at least I can move past this. In the past, things started to get better once I was no longer pregnant. It is something I just don’t understand… when I need someone the most, they are the least available. I can’t change that though. I can’t change any of this and this is why I am here today pouring all of this out.
This baby will come when she is ready or on the day the hospital decided. I can’t change that for anyone despite the numerous complaints. I am ready to have her. Believe me, I am ready. But, I can’t make time change. I can’t change what God has in mind for me. All I do know is that I pray everyday for patience and to feel the love and support I so desperately need. I thank God for my beautiful children and the one that I am carrying… the one who does not deserve all that she is coming into this world knowing. I pray for her to know how much I love her. I pray that my children will forgive me for these past months of irritability. I pray they will still love me when it is all said and done.
I plan on going on an antidepressant after I give birth. With the increasing depression I feel now, I want to make sure I don’t sink deeper postpartum. I have talked to my doctor and it is all worked out. I will be okay… just so you know.
Please don’t flame me for this post. Like I said, I have avoided writing it. But, I started this blog as a way to get my thoughts and emotions out and I really needed that today.
Hey Stefany,
I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. Unfortunately, I too know how you feel, as I live it day to day. I surely hope he wisens up and sees what he has in front of him.
I’m glad you have a friend to lean on. I have plenty of friends that are in the same situation as you and I and we think that we should all just live together and forget the men, clearly they are the problem.
I WISH I could vent on my blog too, unfortunately my husband is the one who owns it and has the technical background on it, plus he subscribes to it. I might make me feel better…
((hugs))
Nicolle, I am so sorry you are going through this too. I have one great friend that understands. Sadly, that is it but I am very glad I have her.
My husband reads this too. I am sure he saw this. But, I had to get it out. 🙁
There’s nothing that I can say that will fix your situation, but know that I feel for you and hope all becomes better. My motto…”Nothing ever stays the same” Sometimes that’s good or bad, but all situations change. Change will come. Be patient.
Thanks for taking the time to say anything at all. I appreciate it very much.
I started reading this post before I had to head out the door this morning, and immediately came back to finish when I returned.
First, I’d hug you if I could.
Secondly, vent away. This is your blog and outlet – it is your safe place to be YOU. Anyone who has the nerve to challenge such an honest, expressive post has no place here {in my opinion}.
Thirdly, I firmly believe that God only places challenges and hardship before us that we can handle and endure. I will pray for you and keep you in my thoughts. But I will also pray that your husband learns to be more understanding as well as your step daughter.
Hold tight to your happiness and light. Don’t let it slip away.
Thanks Erin. I believe that as well but it is hard to remember while you are swimming in depression. I know God has a plan for me, my kids, and this baby coming. My struggle is to keep that in my mind when I am feeling like the world is crashing in on me.
Thank you for coming back to talk to me. Your friendship is a wonderful gift to me.
Dear Stefany:
I am praying for you to find peace in your home, to know that you are a wonderful loving mother and to let help in.
I am praying for your husband to have his eyes opened to what a wonderful woman and mother he has been given to love and to show you through his actions.
I am praying for your step daughter to recognize her choices and to begin to chose to love.
I am not far away, please call me and I will come, I will do.
S0 many people helped me in my time of need and I want to pay it forward, all you need to do is accept my offer.
Your friend
Kristine
Thank you Kristine. I appreciate your friendship so much. I am not sure what you can really help me with at this point. I will call if I can think of anything though… it may happen once the baby comes.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Most people don’t have a clue how difficult being a stepmom can be. I am so lucky in that my husband supports me 100% with his kids. I thanked him for that one time, that he didn’t take their side over me and he was sincerly puzzled how anyone wouldn’t support their wife.
I hope you find the strength and courage to find the best life possible for you and your kids.
That is very true Meg. Unfortunately, if you don’t live it, you don’t know. 🙁 I am so glad your husband doesn’t pick sides. I really feel that my husband chooses his daughter’s happiness over mine and our children’s a lot of the time… which is just not acceptable to me.
Stefany, I’m SO sorry you’re going through this. I was reading your words and could feel the deep pain and hurt in them. 🙁
I really hope things get better for you. We’re all pulling for you!
Thank you Stephanie.
Stefany, I remember you tweeting about your step-daughter giving your trouble awhile back. I just said a prayer for you. I hope that things will work out, once your daughter’s born. Let those nurses pamper you while you’re at the hospital!
Yes Barb, these are certainly not new issues. 🙁
Thank you for the prayers. They are very much appreciated. I am very worried about being in the hospital and away from my kids but I will do my best to let someone take care of me.
I cannot begin to imagine what stress that is putting on you. Do you have family near by? (I don’t remember if I read whether you do or not. ). It definitely sounds wise that you are planning to go on antidepressant after her birth, though. We all are here for you on twitter and your blog!!!
I have family but my husband doesn’t and since the biggest issue I am facing is his daughter, it doesn’t help much. She doesn’t have any family that is active in her life from her mom’s side either… which is fine since they are all a horrible influence.
That said, I will have to deal with it as best as I can. I appreciate the support from my online friends so much!
I’ll keep you & your family in my prayers. I hope things start looking up for you. Take it easy & I hope you have a great L&D.
Nicole
Thank you Nicole.
My heart goes out to you! I can’t imagine how hard it has been for you! How your husband is behaving is sooo wrong! I pray God gives you the strength and joy you need and for your hubby to get his act together!
{hugs}!!
Thank you. I appreciate the thoughts and prayers.
Bless your heart. I hope your husband straightens up and gives you the love and support you need. As the others have said before me…. Lots of hugs to you and the new baby girl that is coming soon.
Thanks Sonya. I appreciate that.
{HUGS} I will be praying for you too.
God will uphold you. <3
Thank you Johanna.
I’m so sorry that you aren’t be appreciated and pampered and treated with the respect and love that you deserve. I believe that your baby will have a wonderful life simply based on how much you love and care for her and worry about her happiness already. You will do what you need to do to make her life a great one.
I hope that you will eventually find a way to resolve the problem with your husband, whether that means him learning to treat you better or something else. He sounds like a very immature and selfish person (IMO).
I’m glad that you are aware of the possibility of depression existing and already have a plan to deal with it. Your very difficult situation can be made much worse with hormones and depression and may seem unbearable without help.
Please let us know in BSMB if we can help or if you need someone to talk to. (I didn’t see your location, but I’m in NC if you happen to live nearby.)
Mickey
Thank you Mickey. As you could probably guess by it taking me 9 months to write this post, I have problems asking for and accepting help. I really appreciate the offer though.
Thanks for commenting too. As you know, that support is what I was hoping to get today.
Your first paragraph was me talking about me. I feel this way so much. I fear that my children will hate me.
I do it all alone and I’m growing something inside that I do not like.
I know your pain except for the step child.
I’m so sorry.
I pray that good change will happen. I hope you get to be able to focus on your children in a positive way, slowly and carry on. Please watch for the influences your step child will bring into the family towards your children too.
Promise yourself one day at a time ok.
*HUGS*
That one day at a time is the hard part for me. Really hard.
I am so sorry you could relate to this post. I really am. Thank you for sharing with me. It does help to know that I am not alone. I have a dear friend who “gets it” and she has been a great source of comfort for me. I hope you have the same.
I am always here if you need to talk.
Yes the daily is what get you. The time when you have to think. It just pierces your heart and you feel trapped.
I’m so glad you have a friend to help you bear.
I have a friend. She is my SIL and married to one of the brothers of my dh. She is going through worse. We help each other bear.
*hug* Thank you
“pierces your heart and you feel trapped” — me exactly. 🙁
I pray that things get easier for you soon. Just try to focus on your children and the beautiful baby you are about to have. Unkind words can be so damaging to a person. I pray that you can find away to ignore the negative and know that the problem is not you. I will continue to send prayer and positive thoughts your way.
Thank you Angela. Your thoughts and prayers mean a lot to me.
Aww, honey. I just want to give you a huge hug. Please feel that from me. I can not imagine what you are going through. My mother suffered from deep depression, so far I have been lucky not to have to deal with it, but I know what it looks like. I hope you find some peace soon. You should be loved and treasured. Anything less than that is unacceptable.
Thank you Patti. I really appreciate your thoughts.
I pray you have the strength to carry on & do what you have to do. I feel like you need a great big hug – virtual hugs to you hon(((())))
Thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to read.