Marriage isn’t easy. It isn’t something that you can just let go and hope for the best. Each day in a marriage is something you have to work on unless you want it to end. We have had many ups and downs but always work through them because of the love we share. It is worth it.
Some thing people tend to forget is there are many things that can wreak havoc on a marriage. Mike and I are happy with each other. We rarely argue about anything other than what to eat for dinner or where to go for our “dates”. But, that does not mean that things are easy-going in our household. On the contrary, there are many things that cause problems that strain the marriage we work so hard to preserve.
The main suspect in these arguments are the children. I have been a mother to his children for several years. Over the past few years, I have become the only mother the girls know as they have pulled away from their biological mother. I have taken that role seriously and have done everything I could to make the girls feel the love that I have for them and to help them realize that I am their mom, without being their real mom. I try to do as much for them as my mom did for me. It isn’t easy being a stepmom but I try. I don’t want to replace their mom, but I want to be a mom to them in the only way I can.
Tayler has been making bad choices lately. As her “mom”, I felt it my responsibility to try to help her and encourage her to make the right ones. She is a good kid and is very smart. It is hard for me and her dad to understand why she is doing the things she is doing. There is only so much “let her make her own mistakes” we can do and still be a responsible parents. Making decisions that can affect her entire life are those that we need to step in and voice my opinion. The problem is that Tayler thinks it is okay to treat me the way she would treat her biological mother. That is absolutely not acceptable to me. I deserve respect.
We had a big blow up over the past week. Tayler said things that she shouldn’t have. I asked for intervention from a family member in hopes that she would get a dose of reality. Things are still rocky between us. The problem is more though. Her causing problems in the household also causes problems in my marriage. It isn’t Mike’s fault that his kids treat me the way they do; well not fully his fault. I also blame their mother for not teaching them better and encouraging them to not respect me. She has never been a mother that they can treat as a mom should be treated so they have never learned better. I think there is a time limit on those excuses though and time is running out quickly. I have been in the kids’ lives for many years. Regardless, the tension in my house is causing tension in my marriage. Will we get through it? Yes. I have no doubt that we will.
Remember this though please. If someone is having problems in their personal life and marriage, it isn’t always about the spouse. I get so frustrated when people assume that Mike has done something when I say that my home life is stressful. There are so many factors that affect a household and marriage. If you know a step-parent, be sure to offer support to them when they need it. This is truly a thankless job and one that isn’t understood unless you live it. Sometimes, a step-parent may just need a non-judging ear. Offer that if you can. Their marriage may depend on it.
dogg says
I’m new at being a parent in general. My gf and I have a 7 month old daughter, and she has two children that aren’t mine. The older ones, 4 and 7, do not listen! At all! I’m trying to teach them manners and respect for eachother, and others as well, but it seems to get nowhere. It is very stressfull being a step parent. She is the woman of my dreams, but other adults and “parents” if that’s what they’re called, seem to really delay progress. I looked this up to try to get some knowlege, and I guess I’ve learned to prepare my self for what is inevitable. One thing I have learned though, is as long as you try the best you can as a parent, that’s all you can do.
Brian says
I was just searching for step parenting insights and thoughts and stumbled on a great debate/art of parenting… Please excuse my intrusion… I try to be a social butterfly when I take an interest and see that my post here will allow me to do so… I too know what it is like to raise your own verses step children in several scenarios.. And they are all quite different fromtalk about obstical each other.. I was a single father of two girls and a boy… The biological mother had passed away unexpectedly and
Kara says
Being a step-parent is one of the hardest jobs their is, I believe. Thankfully, my husbands kids still have their mom in their life, so that’s one less stressor we have to worry about. I can’t imagine the turmoil there might be if she wasn’t. With that being said, we have had our fair share of issues, with his children, and with my daughter.
When it comes to Tayler, though, while she very well may have issues that she is acting out, she is old enough to know how to control her feelings. Have you considered counseling for her? You have bent over backwards to be there for these children, and love Mike’s kids as your own, just like I do with Jeff’s kids, and deserve the respect.
I’m so sorry things are so stressed right now. I’ve been there, and it’s no picnic.
Please know that I’m here for you!!
xoxo
.-= Kara @ His, Hers and Ours´s last blog ..Not Wordless at All!! PROM!! =-.
Cheryl W. says
Why shouldn’t you bring it up on your blog, it is your blog. I didn’t realize you were looking for only one kind of comment. Stephany, I think you took my post all wrong. And my “Advice” (clearly, I misspelled it. LOL) was to take it to the Lord in prayer (which you said you were. Great!). I am just saying, yes you deserve to be respected in your own home, no matter who you are to them. You are the adult, they are the children. The bible clearly speaks about obeying thy mother and thy father. I just wanted to give my view as a step child, and show how emotional it can be for the children too. In a perfect world, we want everything to go smoothly. My children are my own and my family is far from going smoothly. But as a parent, we can lay down the law, we can love our kids as unconditionally as we humanly can, and we pray for the things we can’t control. You can not control their hearts, but He can.
I should have added that since I have grown up, I have asked my step mom’s forgiveness (which she has so graciously given me). You are right, I don’t hate her, I am not bitter or angry at her. I am bitter at the situation. I suspect that your step children are also. Having a mother that just up and leaves you, must be putting an emotional strain on them that years of love will take to break.
I have all the confidence in the Lord that if you are praying about it, He will bring it to fruition.
Meant in love,
Cheryl
Stefany says
This is a copy and paste from an email to Cheryl…
Cheryl, I wasn’t speaking to you directly except when I replied to your comment. I said “advice” in quotes because I wasn’t looking for any specifically. You can’t offer it if you aren’t in it, and since I am such a mess with it myself, I certainly can’t expect help from anyone else. I have been through this for 10 years and my situation is very different from the norm. I don’t expect any kind of comment. For the record, their mom did not leave them. They left her out of their own free will because they didn’t like how she was treating me (I meant them) and wasn’t who they wanted to say was their mom. I am not saying they don’t have emotions about that. I have them in counseling to try to deal with that. I truly love the kids or I wouldn’t be here. That said, there are times I need to vent and share.
bebe says
Things will get better. You want to be happy and she wants to be “right.”
krissy says
Stefany, I just read the reply comment you gave to someone directly above my comment. Wow. I didn’t know Taylor was not giving you respect, or perhaps I would not have come from the same tone. I hope I wasn’t appearing judgmental, bc I am NOT. Please understand my comment that I wrote above. I am glad she has you, anyway, to be a good influence in her life. Too bad her biological mother did this to her. I hope things get better. Love you, krissy 🙂
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Stefany says
I always hesitate to bring these things up on my blog because people really have strong opinions. The problem is that our situation is not as simple as I married their dad. They live with us full-time and the girls don’t even speak to their mom, yet she sees their brother every other week. The “advice” I sometimes get is not appropriate for our family. I can’t expect less from my stepdaughters because they aren’t mine and because they have had some rough times (years ago). That isn’t fair to my biological children. I should be treated with respect no matter if I birthed you or not. Being understanding of the situation is something my husband and I strive to do everyday. At the same time, we need to demand that everyone be on the same playing field here. When the girls decided that the only mother influence they would have would be me, it became my responsibility and obligation to do that for them. I don’t for a second believe that they should be able to treat me less than I would expect of my own kids to simply because they aren’t mine. If you are in my house, you should be respectful, no matter who I am to you.
krissy says
Stefany, Wow, a lot is going on. I know enough about the dynamics of marriage to know that it isn’t just “the spouse’s fault.” So much can go on within a marriage, including tension bc of problems w stepchildren. I do know, though — and I’m definitely not being judgemental — that sometimes stepchildren do have deep seeded problems. Taylor could be acting out in ways even she doesn’t know why. For instance, she could be testing you to see if you will love her no matter what. Perhaps she felt she didn’t get proper care from her biological mom, and now she wants to see if you will give it to her. And she’s testing you to see if you will let her treat her like her biological mom, or if you’ll command respect. She wants to see if you’ll still love her, and if you at the same time will respect yourself. So do discipline her and set real limits with her (she’ll appreciate that), but be kind also (firm and gentle), and at the same time let her know she must treat you right.
Please don’t think stepparenting is a thankless job. When Taylor gets older she will be glad you were there for her, teaching her right from wrong, and that you didn’t give up on her, and continued to love her. You will one day maybe even be very close. There is a verse that says “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” What I’m trying to say is, if she strays far, she’ll come back, and she’ll thank you for the influence you’ve had in her life. Never doubt that EACH and EVERY little thing you do in your daughter’s life has an effect. She WILL remember and be influenced. So stand in faith through these growing up years until she is a woman. I bet you won’t regret it. Stefany, take care of yourself. 🙂
krissy knox 🙂
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Cheryl W. says
I can appreciate where you are coming from, but at the same time, I pose the question of have you ever been a step child? I have and it isn’t no picnic being on that side of the fence either. As adults, you have a choice whether to enter a relationship with someone with children from a prior marriage. The children, however, have no say. They are thrust into going through whatever baggage of both parents divorcing and then are force to “accept” someone coming in. Am I bitter, yes! The Lord is working on my heart about it and I pray for repentance and to let go of the resentment, but it is a struggle.
You truly sound like you really just want to show these kids love and stability, I get that, but you sound just as bitter and resentful, as I. I don’t mean this in a rude fashion, please understand that. I am just offering my insight and my testimony of my experience, as the other side.
I truly wish you the best, and my advise it just to keep taking it to the Lord in prayer, because it is Him that has to do a work in their hearts.
God Bless,
Cheryl
Stefany says
Bitter and angry are words you could use to describe this situation but not at the kids. I did choose to be with someone that had kids. I did not know at that time that I would become the only mother two of them have. The damage done by their biological mom is way more than I could explain. Being expected to be someone’s mom but not given the courtesy of respect is a tough one to take. My point of this post was not to put down being a step-parent, as it seems you may think. My purpose was to share how hard my role is as a full-time mother (as a step-mom) and how the family dynamics affect everything that happen in the household. If I were just their step-mom this would all be a different story. I chose to offer them all of me. I don’t think it is asking so much to get some respect in my own house. I would expect that of my own biological children.
Thank you for your comment. Believe me, this whole situation is prayed about often. I also pray that He heals the wounds you have.
Marilyn (A Lot of Loves) says
I grew up with a step-father as did my step-sisters (in a different home). Life was tense in our house and it was all because of the differences between my step-father and myself. I can believe that it would cause stress in the marriage. Hope it works out soon.
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