The past week has been hard. I found out that my 16yo daughter was lying to me. She was told that she could not date a boy that we felt was too old for her (he is overage). We said she could remain friends with him and just asked that we be given time to know him. This was all found out a few months back because she was texting him things that were also inappropriate. I knew nothing of this boy before finding these text messages and was very disappointed in her behavior.
She decided to go against our wishes and not only date him but also not allow us to meet and get to know him. She has been lying about where she is and who she is with. She has been lying to me daily. Every.single.day. I found out because a phone number she gave me for her “friend” (she lost her own phone for going over her allowed minutes by a ton) turned up as someone else on my blackberry facebook application. I was very surprised when I found out who the number belonged to and even more disappointed that she gave me this boy’s phone number as her friend Mary’s.
The deceit doesn’t stop there though. She lied on many occasions about him being with her. I wasn’t ever telling her she can’t hang out as friends but wasn’t comfortable with the turn their friendship had taken and wanted her to slow down. We wanted to get to know this boy; as we would any boy our girls will date. She was seeing him all the time when she visited and hung out with her friend Mary.
I found pictures of her on Facebook that I wish I hadn’t seen. I found out a lot of information on her friends pages that I was unaware of. We confronted her and she admitted to the lies. She showed little regret for the lying but did show regret for being caught. I was angry. Really angry and really hurt. We told her she is no way-no how going to see this boy again. There was a reason we didn’t want her to date him. She didn’t give us a chance to know him… the right way.
He showed up at my house and I was beyond livid because he was told to leave her alone by my husband the day before. I yelled at him about how he knew he wasn’t supposed to date her. He knew, by the way, because I heard her tell him they can’t date and I heard him say okay. This was part of our deal originally; the deal she chose to ignore… and lie to me for months. Anyways, he tried to defend himself which only made me more mad. I sent him on his way.
Then I went to talk to my mom. I was angry and upset and needed a rational person to help me sort this all out.
We talked and I realized that I need to step back. My goal in life is not to make Tayler upset and lonely. I want her to be happy. But, she can not think that what has happened in the past few months is okay. It isn’t and never will be okay to lie to us and keep a “second life” behind our backs. I don’t want to push her away even more. I want her to feel she can trust me.
So, I called him myself (remember, I have his phone number because she gave it to me as someone else’s). I told him that Tayler needs to deal with the consequences of her actions. I then told him something that surprised everyone, but mostly Tayler and E. I told him that if he leaves her alone and lets her deal with her own situation at home, I would consider letting him come to our house to see Tayler. I will allow them a relationship under our roof, our supervision. I figure if this boy wants to see her and is willing to put up with our crazy house, then I will let him do it.
I came home and told Tayler the same thing and she is happy that I have changed my mind. I have been chatting with him a bit on Facebook myself (he added me because he thought it was the right thing to do) and talked to him briefly when I allowed Tayler to call him and told him that I am sorry for yelling at him. I told him that I hope someday he understands. Tayler is all I am concerned about and they both made choices that are not good for her. I need to take control of this situation for the time being. He agreed. I told them both that they need to be patient because the chance of them leaving my house together anytime soon is pretty slim. Heck though, the chance of Tayler leaving my house anytime soon is slim. She needs to deal with the consequences of her actions… all of them. First and foremost, she needs to know that lying to us is absolutely not going to be accepted.
I think that I am going to allow E to come over this weekend. I was going to make pizza and tell Tayler she can invite him over to meet the family. He is thrilled that I am considering it but Tayler has no idea yet. I want to see how her attitude is over the next few days. She has been doing well though… probably because she knows that she is in the wrong and hasn’t a leg to stand on. That, and she wants to see her boyfriend… however she can.
I have learned a ton over the past few days; about myself, about my daughter, about my marriage. Some were good, some I wish I didn’t know even though I am now glad to. We will all hopefully move on from this horrible experience smarter and closer than before. Being a mother is so hard. Being a stepmother makes this all the harder. I love her as my own daughter. I hope someday she sees me the same way because all I want is to offer her the mother she doesn’t have. She is slowly starting to see that. I couldn’t be happier.