After Joley’s birth, I was bitter and sad. I was angry; angry that something so important to me was taken away. I cried in the hospital and was still crying when I got home. Everyone would tell me that it didn’t (doesn’t) matter because the end result is that little girl. I know that. I really do know that. I have true disappointment over her birth though. It was completely out of my hands and I recall nothing.
Who was I angry with? I was angry with the doctor that wasn’t listening to me at first. As each day went on though, I became more and more angry. I was angry at God even though I had yet to admit it to myself. Why would he do this to me? Why would he take something so wonderful and turn it into a source of pain for me?
One day, several months ago, I was drawn to Church. I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to be there. I am Catholic and we confess our sins to a priest. During Lent, my church had an evening when all the priests gathered to let the congregation say their penance. It had been years (I mean like 10 or more) since I had been to Penance but I just knew it was something I needed to do. I waited in line for a long time and considered leaving because I had a baby at home that needed to eat… yet I waited.
Finally, I was able to confess my sins. I walked out of my church that evening with a new feeling inside me. I finally admitted that I was angry at God. I was finally able to start letting go of my pain and anger.
That day changed my goals and dreams for my life. Shortly after that, I decided that I wanted to educate and enlighten women on birth and thought about how to do that. I realized that I could do this by becoming a Midwife and I set forth to put my dreams into action by finishing my application to school (I had started but was wavering on if I really wanted to go). I knew that I wanted to help other women… I wanted to try to keep other women from going through what I have been through. I can not change my birth experience, but I can try to change it for others.
That one day was life-changing for me. I didn’t even realize it until last night while at my M.O.M.S. group. I am still sad about Joley’s birth and longing for the birth I had envisioned. There are days that I think about all I missed and will not get back. But, I now have no anger and no regret. I have a beautiful daughter and she is nothing but perfect. Perfect in my eyes and in God’s. She is a blessing; a blessing sent from God for me to do better things.