I have been putting off this post for over a week. The feelings this post bring out in me are multi-dimensional. Let me start at the beginning… the very beginning.
Joley and I had a very rough start with breastfeeding. Her birth was traumatic and I don’t remember the first 10 hours of her life. I don’t remember the first time I fed her, only that I said I did not want her to get formula. They were concerned about her jaundice but I stuck with it and we had success. We had a little help in the hospital but we left with a shield and awkward feedings. I struggled to get her to latch on for several days. I sat night after night upset because it didn’t seem I could feed her the way she wanted. I was stuck with that stupid shield because I didn’t have the help to get away from it. My goal was to make it a few weeks at that point.
After nearly 3 weeks, I was just sick of the shield. Having to take it everywhere I went and worry about cleaning it when I wasn’t home was just a burden. I would have continued to use it if it were the only way to breastfeed my baby, but I didn’t want to. I tried to get her to nurse without it but it just led to many crying spells. I decided to reach out for help and talked to a LC and learned how to feed her properly… at 3 weeks. The day she turned 3 weeks old is the day I weaned her from the shield for good. My goal was then to make it to 6 weeks.
She had a well-baby visit at 2 months old and we found she wasn’t gaining weight well. After a bad run-in with a nurse who told me I had to formula feed her, I decided to not talk to that woman again and only the pediatrician. Our pedi said that we had to increase her intake but that I can feed her a bottle of breastmilk a day. That started my pumping twice a day to ensure Joley had an extra bottle of breastmilk a day. I hated the pump but I knew this was what I had to do for my baby so I did it. I never even thought of giving up at this point.
After a later well-baby visit (around 6 months) that showed a good amount of weight gain, we learned we didn’t have to do the pumping anymore. I was ecstatic. I gave her a pumped bottle for a little over 2 months and her weight increased in that amount of time. I was so proud of our accomplishment and hoped to make it to 12 months but didn’t really allow myself to think that far ahead. I thought, after all the problems we had up to that point, I better keep my goals in check so as to not overwhelm myself.
I have PCOS and was placed on the mini-pill when Joley was around 7 months old. My body fought that though and I was having more and more problems which affected my milk supply. We kept going though. Time went on and we developed a routine. Joley and I were breastfeeding pros. We had our ups, many ups, when she would smile at me with her milky mouth or pull away and look at me with her big blue eyes. There were many ups. We had some downs too, like when she was teething for weeks on end. But, those downs certainly did not take away from all I was gaining in spending that time with my baby girl. Breastfeeding was no longer a struggle. It was wonderful and made me feel happy and proud.
We made it to a year and I was so pleased. I decided at that point that I would just let Joley tell me when she was finished breastfeeding. We started only nursing in the morning around 14 months because she wasn’t interested at night anymore… probably because my milk supply was dwindling. I gave Joley a cup of whole milk at dinner time for several weeks.
When Joley was 5 days shy of 16 months old, April 12 of 2010, she decided she was finished. I asked her if she wanted her “juice” and she said no. She shook her head and walked away. I cried. I knew this time was coming. I could sense it. I am sure that my milk supply just wasn’t enough to interest her anymore. At the same time, she is all about gaining her independence and doing what she wanted. I handed her a cup of whole milk and she went about her business.
I haven’t breastfed since that day nearly 2 weeks ago. I still miss laying in bed with my baby girl in the morning while she nurses. I miss spending that time with her everyday. Now it seems she is so busy that I have very little snuggle time… that time I used to get while nursing her. I am so proud of how long I nursed her. I am so proud that we worked through all the latch problems, weight issues, and supply concerns. I loved breastfeeding and don’t regret one single minute of it. I am glad that Joley quit nursing on her own and I didn’t have to wean her. This transition was hard enough… it would be so much worse if she were wanting to nurse and I had to say no.
I have cried more than I care to admit about this. I am finally feeling okay about the loss of this time. I gave the nursing cover I made to a mom struggling to maintain privacy while nursing her infant in a restaurant. She was so happy to receive it and it felt great to support another mom. I told her that I was no longer needing the cover and that I had just finished nursing my baby girl It feels good to say that I breastfed for nearly 16 months. Really, really good.
HisBell says
My little boy had difficulties latching on… I almost gave up. Thank goodness for my MIL at the time who really persuaded me. I gave it ago for about 6 months… but then my milk just wasn’t coming in enough and I honestly tried everything. I was so dissappointed at my self for quiting… at first. But then realized that I almost gave up after just a couple days which made me feel better. I know what you mean about the connection time… and how now everything just so busy. Nursing forced you to spend time… to have those cuddle moment. Miss that.
Stefany says
You did good! Absolutely don’t be down on yourself.
Once Joley stopped breastfeeding, everything changed. She is just so busy now. It is so hard to believe that just 3 months ago I was holding my baby nursing and now I can’t get her to stop to give me a hug. 🙁
I hope you can look back on your breastfeeding experience the same way I do… with love and pride.
JDaniel4's Mom says
We had trouble getting started too. JDaniel had a tight tongue. I had to do tongue exercises with him before every nursing session.
MarfMom says
Oh I FEEL you on this one. I didn’t have quite as rough a start with my son, but we had some problems while in the hospital and then I became so attached to breastfeeding, to that time with my son. We had to wean for medical reasons when he was just shy of 8 months and I, like you, cried for quite awhile over it. I look forward to breastfeeding this next baby too, for as long as we can.
Christi Williams says
I breast feed all of my kids (9 of them) for me it was pretty easy.Oh I got sore and worn out at times. But nothing like you went through. So I want to give you a big hug for hanging in there.
I so strongly believe in breastfeeding, I nursed everywhere and in front of whom ever, I would try cover up but I nursed on demand. And for the most part I refused to go nurse in the bathroom Yuck!! Who wants to eat in the bathroom? Not Me! I learned to nurse laying down and would just slide baby into bed with me at night. There is such a feeling of being needed. I love it!!
Stefany says
Thank you Christi. I chose this post for the hop because it says so much about who I am. I didn’t breastfeed Johnny and it totally didn’t take away from my relationship with him. But, breastfeeding Joley made me even more aware that I will do anything for my kids. Breastfeeding was the most amazing experience I have had. I would not trade it for anything. Plus, in going through all this, it helped me to understand my goals in my life.
Christi Williams says
The thing is we do have the choice and its okay. Some might think I would think less of others if they didn’t nurse because I nursed all of mine, that is not the case. There are many that cannot nurse for many reasons. I had no problems nursing mine but my sister couldn’t do it, but each baby she has tried again and became more successful each time.
What I am amazed at is the hard you worked at it. That you didn’t just give up. I always encourage a mother to try. I think it is important to have a support system. To believe in yourself and don’t stress.
I have learned a few tricks along the way. ALWAYS drink lots of water, eat a healthy well balanced diet (don’t worry about losing a ton of weight yet) Have baby latch on often; switch your starting side each time you nurse. If you develop little sores and your nipples put on a little vitamin E oil to help them heal. Oh there is so much more I could say, but I don’t need to say it to you. You did it!!
MommyNaniBooboo says
Oh how wonderful that you stuck it out for as long as she needed.
I feel you on this one.
We struggled very hard in the beginning too.
I didn’t know it could be so painful and hard to start breastfeeding…
And no one told me it would be painful to stop.
.-= MommyNaniBooboo´s last blog ..Wouldn’t You Like To Be A Samso Too? =-.
Alicia says
That must have been so hard… happy she was gaining independence but feeling like she didn’t need you. Congrats for breastfeeding for so long and overcoming all those obstacles!
.-= Alicia´s last blog ..Cute Earrings For A Great Cause! =-.
Emma says
Thanks for sharing such an amazing story. You really are a super hero, you had me in tears.
Julie says
Breastfeeding is amazing! I nursed my little girl until she was 16 months and my milk dried up because I was pregnant with my son who is now almost a year. I wasn’t so emotional because I knew I would soon have another baby too nurse.
My little guy is done with bottles that I pump for him while I am at work and I know soon he will be done with nursing. The thought of this makes me so sad because I don’t know if I will have another baby to nurse. He may be my last. I will let him tell me when he is done which I have a feeling will be sooner than his sister. Thanks for sharing this!
.-= Julie´s last blog ..Old Shirt + Glue Gun = New Fabulous Shirt! =-.
Julie says
What a beautiful and heartfelt post. I don’t have kids, but someday I hope to have the experience you described — a time of cuddling with just you and your little girl, bonding. I know that in the future she will know instinctively that she appreciated the time as well.
Blessings. 🙂
.-= Julie´s last blog ..Five Question Friday: Stitches & Sesame Street… =-.
Allison says
Big hugs to you. It’s so hard when they’re done before you’re ready. My first son self-weaned at 7 months and I was heart broken. I also allowed myself to be convinced to top him up with formula which I always regretted because I could never get him off it. You did amazingly well! You struggled through the rough early days with not very much support. Well done for persevering and having such a great breastfeeding journey with your sweet girl.
Ashlee says
The best thing in the world is breastfeeding. I have never felt so useful, loved, needed in all my life. The hardest thing was realizing that time had come and gone. I know how you feel and I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. I am so sorry for how you are feeling right now. Find that comfort in knowing that she will be so much healthier and you have a bond that nothing can break because of your determination and strength. I am so proud of you as a fellow mother and friend. I love you!!!
charla says
my daughter has been too busy/distracted to nurse for about a month now… and i’m so devastated. she’s only 10 months… and i swore i would make it to at least a year.
i can still sneak in a session when she’s already sleepy… but that’s not really working anymore either.
i know exactly how you feel. they just grow up too soon! too interested in everything to snuggle.
Desiree Fawn says
Good for you for sticking it out like that with such a rough start!! You are amazing for doing that!
I can imagine how hard it must be for your special time to be over, but my god, what a fabulous thing you’ve done 😀
My own daughter is nearly 15-months and I often wonder when she won’t want to bf anymore.
Sending lots of happy thoughts to you — you’re a wonderful mama!
.-= Desiree Fawn´s last blog ..Colour Week: Orange =-.
Renae says
I had a tough time with nursing in the beginning too with my first son. I was very happy to make it to a year. I always thought nursing would be easy since it is so natural- wrong! Things went much better with my second son and he actually loved to nurse. I worked part time and he would refuse the pumped milk in the bottle. I would spend my lunch break at the sitters nursing him otherwise he would only drink about 2 oz. for the whole day. I was happy to give that time though since it is what he needed. I had to suddenly stop nursing him when he was 14 months old due to me getting food poisoning. I felt so bad for him!
Breastfeeding is such a wonderful bonding experience. It is tough but so worth every second!
.-= Renae´s last blog ..Rite Aid Rock Bottom Deals Week of 4/25 =-.
kristin says
I’m bawling. I know my no our time is coming. I’m already sad.
Beautiful post Steph!
Kelly says
Oh Mama! I feel your pain. We struggled at the beginning after a traumatic birth too. My baby went to the NICU and the experience left me with the feeling that I wasn’t needed. I think I looked at breastfeeding as the one thing I could do. Now that I’m back to work I’m pumping but can’t imagine the end. I hope I make it as long as you! Maybe even longer… 🙂