An ending… from the beginning

I have been putting off this post for over a week.  The feelings this post bring out in me are multi-dimensional.  Let me start at the beginning… the very beginning.

Joley and I had a very rough start with breastfeeding.  Her birth was traumatic and I don’t remember the first 10 hours of her life.  I don’t remember the first time I fed her, only that I said I did not want her to get formula.  They were concerned about her jaundice but I stuck with it and we had success.  We had a little help in the hospital but we left with a shield and awkward feedings.  I struggled to get her to latch on for several days.  I sat night after night upset because it didn’t seem I could feed her the way she wanted.  I was stuck with that stupid shield because I didn’t have the help to get away from it.  My goal was to make it a few weeks at that point.

After nearly 3 weeks, I was just sick of the shield.  Having to take it everywhere I went and worry about cleaning it when I wasn’t home was just a burden.  I would have continued to use it if it were the only way to breastfeed my baby, but I didn’t want to.  I tried to get her to nurse without it but it just led to many crying spells.  I decided to reach out for help and talked to a LC and learned how to feed her properly… at 3 weeks.  The day she turned 3 weeks old is the day I weaned her from the shield for good.  My goal was then to make it to 6 weeks.

She had a well-baby visit at 2 months old and we found she wasn’t gaining weight well.  After a bad run-in with a nurse who told me I had to formula feed her, I decided to not talk to that woman again and only the pediatrician.  Our pedi said that we had to increase her intake but that I can feed her a bottle of breastmilk a day.  That started my pumping twice a day to ensure Joley had an extra bottle of breastmilk a day.  I hated the pump but I knew this was what I had to do for my baby so I did it.  I never even thought of giving up at this point.

After a later well-baby visit (around 6 months) that showed a good amount of weight gain, we learned we didn’t have to do the pumping anymore.  I was ecstatic.  I gave her a pumped bottle for a little over 2 months and her weight increased in that amount of time.  I was so proud of our accomplishment and hoped to make it to 12  months but didn’t really allow myself to think that far ahead.  I thought, after all the problems we had up to that point, I better keep my goals in check so as to not overwhelm myself.

I have PCOS and was placed on the mini-pill when Joley was around 7 months old.  My body fought that though and I was having more and more problems which affected my milk supply.  We kept going though.  Time went on and we developed a routine.  Joley and I were breastfeeding pros.  We had our ups, many ups, when she would smile at me with her milky mouth or pull away and look at me with her big blue eyes.  There were many ups.  We had some downs too, like when she was teething for weeks on end.  But, those downs certainly did not take away from all I was gaining in spending that time with my baby girl.  Breastfeeding was no longer a struggle.  It was wonderful and made me feel happy and proud.

We made it to a year and I was so pleased.  I decided at that point that I would just let Joley tell me when she was finished breastfeeding.  We started only nursing in the morning around 14 months because she wasn’t interested at night anymore… probably because my milk supply was dwindling.  I gave Joley a cup of whole milk at dinner time for several weeks.

When Joley was 5 days shy of 16 months old, April 12 of 2010, she decided she was finished.  I asked her if she wanted her “juice” and she said no.  She shook her head and walked away.  I cried.  I knew this time was coming.  I could sense it.  I am sure that my milk supply just wasn’t enough to interest her anymore.  At the same time, she is all about gaining her independence and doing what she wanted.  I handed her a cup of whole milk and she went about her business.

I haven’t breastfed since that day nearly 2 weeks ago.  I still miss laying in bed with my baby girl in the morning while she nurses.  I miss spending that time with her everyday.  Now it seems she is so busy that I have very little snuggle time… that time I used to get while nursing her.  I am so proud of how long I nursed her.  I am so proud that we worked through all the latch problems, weight issues, and supply concerns.  I loved breastfeeding and don’t regret one single minute of it.  I am glad that Joley quit nursing on her own and I didn’t have to wean her.  This transition was hard enough… it would be so much worse if she were wanting to nurse and I had to say no.

I have cried more than I care to admit about this.  I am finally feeling okay about the loss of this time.  I gave the nursing cover I made to a mom struggling to maintain privacy while nursing her infant in a restaurant.  She was so happy to receive it and it felt great to support another mom.  I told her that I was no longer needing the cover and that I had just finished nursing my baby girl  It feels good to say that I breastfed for nearly 16 months.  Really, really good.

Tagged as: breastfeeding