I don’t even know where to begin with this. Tayler accidently texted her mom saying she got her phone back. Her mom texted her back that she misses her… which is such shit because she didn’t even try to contact Tayler the past week and she didn’t know that Tayler didn’t have her phone. Anyways, she proceeds to tell Tayler that she wants her to come over this weekend to celebrate Mackenzie’s birthday with them.
Now, there have been soooo many people that think this is a bad idea; including Tayler’s therapist and grandparents. This isn’t just my feelings. It is so bad for Tayler to spend any significant amount of time with her mom. They argue, Tayler cries, her mom says horrible things… I end up going to get her. I don’t mind picking up the pieces… I really don’t because I love Tayler. I love her like she were my own child.
There enters the problem. I feel like she is my own kid. It hurts me that she is so willing to forgive and forget with her mom. What she said to Tayler, I would NEVER dream of saying to my child. It is horrible and cruel and deserves punishment I believe. Tayler said she doesn’t want to feel like second best with her friends… but that is what I feel like. I do everything for her. I treat her as my own. I am the one that picks up the pieces and takes care of her when her mom hurts her. It hurts me to see her treated badly… especially by her mother!
It isn’t that I don’t want her to not have a relationship with her mom. I have encouraged her to call her mom and talk to her… maybe ask her to pick her up for dinner or something. That way it is on neutral ground. If things get ugly, she knows she is coming home. Going to her mom’s house makes things all that more complicated. Tayler and her mom have fought every single time they have been together over there since the kids have been living here. What would make me think anything would be better now? Her mom hasn’t even cared enough to call her to see how she is…. or at least asked Mike how she is doing. By the way, she is doing great. She has been ever since she stopped going to her mom’s house.
What that means to me is that everything I do isn’t good enough. That no matter what, I will never be someone she can see as a mom. That hurts because I really do love Tayler and only want what is best for her. It hurts that what I think is best… me the person who is always here for her for everything from school problems, boy problems, health issues or whatever… doesn’t matter to Tayler. I know she hears me but J is her mom. As much as I hate it, it is true. I don’t want to take that away from her. The problem is that her relationship with her mom is toxic. I have no problems with her seeing and talking to her mom. What I have a problem with is her going over to her mom’s house to be belittled, treated badly, and talked down to. I will be here when it happens. I just thought we had come so far over the past few weeks and it all seems to be being thrown out the window. It hurts to think that Tayler could just walk away from me without a second thought and when it comes to her mom who said horrible, inconceivable things to her daughter, she is given free ride to keep hurting Tayler. I would never hurt her that way, but it doesn’t matter.
You may think I am a bad person for saying all this… and yeah, there is some jealousy on my part that her mom can do so much to hurt her but still is the person Tayler looks up to. I want to be that person though. I want Tayler to realize where she is happy, unhurt, and taken care of. I want her to realize how much I love her and how much I do for her. That won’t likely happen though. I am not her mom. I don’t matter.
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